guitar pick (brain poison)
i went to a guitar wolf show a couple years ago
it was june first
it felt fitting
i usually hang out in the back or to the side, just outside the crowd
but this time was different
i was drawn in
i ended up at the front
then people were reaching their hands out
i did too
i didn't know why
but i did it
then
i was grabbed
pulled up on stage by guitar wolf
handed a guitar pick and a guitar
told to jump and play
i did
but calling it playing might be stretching it
but i still did it
jammed alongside bass wolf
and then
got pushed out into the crowd
pick in hand still
taken back
nearly two and a half years ago
i credited being pushed up to a specific person at the time but
that's not giving myself enough credit
it played a role for sure
but there was more than it at play
first show i went to was nearly nine years ago
like, very nearly exactly nine years ago
kero kero bonito on halloween
i barely knew what to do in that crowd
i stuck with my partner at the time
side by side
jumped around a bit
let my hair down
four and a half years ago about
went to a we are the union show
woke up to a shitty work group text morning after
quit my job because of it
two years and a wee bit ago
went to see porter robinson with someone i just started dating
she needed a place to live since her ex kicked her out
what was a fun chat turned into living together pretty quickly
but it felt right
and being in that crowd with her really sealed it
belting out "i wanna live, i don't wanna die"
i remember when i left the stage guitar wolf pulled me up on
i forgot what i did with the guitar pick i had
i was scared i dropped it in the chaos
i looked to the floor
found another pick
not the one i was handed
but another one nonetheless
checked after the show
turned out i had the one i got on stage still
i stashed it into my pocket at some point
was able to send it to the friend that i watched wild zero with
"I can't stand it, it's brain poison
My mind unravels when I toy with
The thoughts it gives me, leave me wishing
It leaves me, it leaves"
loving someone is hard
it's harder to stop
i don't know if i've ever truly stopped loving someone
definitely makes some things harder
makes me want to be sad
and stay sad
but ultimately i can't
the people i love made me a better person than that
or at least
i refuse to let them leave me worse
the hurt sucks
and it's going to make me recoil
it's going to make panic
i wanted to kill myself two weeks ago
but there were words jammed into my head:
if you kill yourself, i'll know you never loved me
"You're just a part of my life
And you're just a part of my life
And you're just a part of my life
And I can't get rid of you"
those words are genuinely pretty awful to tell someone
but
it sure did stop the worst from happening in the moment
fuck you for saying them
but i'm here at least
and those words are too shit for them to be the reason i'm still here now
i'm still here because of two years ago
two and a half years ago
four and a half years ago
nine years ago
seven months ago
two years and seven months ago
three years and seven months ago
five years ago
i'm still here
because regardless of what happens
i'm still carrying the people i love with me
and when it comes down to it
even staring down a knife or a bottle of pills
they will keep me here
and over time
bit by bit
there's someone working up the strength
to fight back
and keep me here as well
me
"I can't stand it, it's brain poison
My mind unravels when I toy with
The thoughts it gives me, leave me wishing
But maybe that's why life's worth living
Reachin' for something new (I see you in my dreams)
Some feeling breakin' through (Stuck on a melody)
I can't understand it (Too loud to encounter)
With all these memories
At least, I'll never be
Without you, without her
Sort of"