meaningless off-screen death / commatose / thank you, my twilight
i returned to an old routine tonight
not a self-destructive one
but an old one nonetheless
i live in a different place than i did when i used to engage in this
it used to be maybe a 10-15 minute walk to a nearby brewery
that i used to go grab drinks at with my dad
when he was still in the same state
this time it was a bus ride plus a walk
and i may as well have walked since i messed up\ and got on the wrong bus which added to the time walking anyways
i almost turned back after that
i dont know if i wanna call it home right now?
it's in a weird limbo
but i ended up at the brewery anyways
what i used to do
is i would grab my music player
throw in some earbuds
put on some music
walk over
and grab something to eat
usually some quesa birria
from the taco place
and then i would grab a drink
a java stout
sit down and take a few sips
till the buzzer i was handed went off
then i'd be having that first drink
while eating
i'm a fast drinker
so i'd usually finish it before i finish eating
it wasn't ideal since even though my spice tolerance is pretty good
it still helps to have a drink alongside it
but the food was still good
so i'd finish it before grabbing a second drink
usually some kind of ipa
my taste in beers started by looking at the abv percentages and grabbing the highest i saw
it's because i started with hard liquor when\ drinking in my bedroom with my at the time partner back when i was 19
playing mario kart 8 on the wii u while sharing a bottle of vodka
so strength was all i knew when it came to alcohol
so when my dad started inviting me to go grab drinks with him after work
i went with what i knew
it naturally gravitated me towards stouts, ipas, and something else we'll get to soon
the brewery usually had a variety of ipas so this second drink slot was usually subject to change
as all of this goes on i'd keep on listening to music
i stopped relying on streaming by the time this routine began
started being more intentional about my music\ listening by downloading and putting albums on a music player
so i'd usually pick an album to fit the mood
sometimes jumping to particular songs
but tried to stick to albums
it became my favorite way of listening to music
felt more like i was listening to a full project than a single slice of it
going with the flow the artist was striving to achieve
stopping me from incessantly replaying a single track as i often did before
was never really a playlist person
but enjoyed creating them for others
made a mixtape once for someone important to me
it was a fun time
i like expressing myself by sharing music
the act of thoughtful curation
whenever i finished my second drink i'd go for my third
a static pick much like the first
chicken killer
a barley wine
strong as fuck
named after a dog that killed 19 chickens at the brewery in its early days
i think that's the number at least
it's sticking in my head
the strength of it would help slow my drinking
making it last longer than the first two
despite it being served in a smaller glass
and i cut it off there
and leave
and walk back home
and i did that all tonight
or am doing it all tonight
the detail i forgot is i'd usually write out something
so this is what i'm writing out as i do this
on drink number two right now
listening to slothrust
horseshoe crab
posted a link to the song on bluesky
got a reply from the friend that introduced me to the song
with a specific line
"EXCEPT THAT I CAME FROM THE SEA"
so naturally i replied
"LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID"
i didn't manage to get the food i usually would though
taco place is closed today
not closed down thankfully
there was just a sign that said "SORRY CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE"
so i grabbed a banh mi from the pho place here instead
was supposed to grab a banh mi yesterday
so it felt fitting
at least
"do you want to rest forever?
underwater it gets better"
this routine wasn't bad
it wasn't inherently self-destructive
there were definitely weeks i engaged in this practice more than i should've for sure
but the once or twice a week rhythm i had with it as my typical was okay
for back then
it sucks to feel like i had to resort to alcohol to get out of the house today
i mean i had other options sure
but they were couched in routines that
i don't feel comfortable doing right now
this routine i revisited though
it is from a time where i thought of myself as a worse person though
and there's something sad
but not unexpected
about how the routine still fits me now
and how much of the same person i must still be despite it all
and as much as i want that to be comforting
a la undertale's "despite everything it's still you"\ mirror bit
it really isn't
it really is not comforting to me that this felt like slipping on an old comfy shirt
i miss the newer more recent routines i had
but they're resting a midst a lot of pain right now
so i'm sorry
to myself maybe more than anyone else
that this is where i am tonight
and that this
is what i'm doing
but when feeling cast out from a life
i guess all i really felt capable of
was returning
or hopefully just visiting
the life before
i'll leave you here
time for drink number three
have a good night
okay?
seeya